Resolve to experience a Renaissance

As I sit watching the hours pass for me to bid adieu to the year 2007 and welcome the year 2008, I can only reflect on this past year.

I've promoted a few associates to friends and demoted a few associates to time-fillers.

I've learnt a few lessons while I've shed a few tears.

I've climbed a few mountains only to discover that they were merely hills, and I'm all geared up to conquer the ones that lie ahead.

I've learnt that my strength comes from within, not from the voices and personalities that surround me.

The journey hasn't been a perfect one but it has been one that I will remember. I strongly believe that what doesn't kill will only make me stronger, therefore everything I've experienced thus far can only serve as multi-vitamins to fortify me throughout whatever lies ahead.

As far as resolutions go, I don't believe in them. I believe in renaissance. I believe that rather than just setting goals, I should make plans and that my plans should lead to the accomplishment of goals.

I know that there are still a few habits, vices and people that I can do without, but somehow its the presence of these that makes me who I am. Should I dare to be different? Would you appreciate less?

But what I will say is that I expect 2008 to be great. Not because of any expected events or occurrences, but because I seek to make every day better than the last and because I live to hold no regrets.

That's what friends are for

One of the most priceless things in the world is friendship and for that reason I have resolved that true friendship is something worth fighting for and holding on at almost any cost.

But the deeper question is, what is friendship?

Friendship is being able to call someone in the middle of the night because you can't sleep, and knowing there will be conversation on the other end of the line (no matter how insignificant it is).

Friendship is knowing that you will be laughed with but never at whenever you fall flat on your face.

Friendship is knowing that compliments are not a hidden set-up for humiliation, and criticism is not borne from jealousy and contempt.

Friendship is the name that comes to mind when you need comfort as (sometimes invisible) tears are running down your cheeks.

Friendship is knowing that no matter how deep you fall there will always be someone to throw you a rope and not remind you about it later.

Friendship creates a warmth that can melt icicles from the coldest heart.

Friendship is something worth fighting for even when pride is on the line. Indeed it is one of the most difficult things to lose and even more difficult to regain. Anyone that is willing to sit by idly and let it go without a fight was never a friend at all.

Ignorantly speaking...

I've been told before that ignorance is bliss and this is an adage to which I have come to subscribe. I've found that although knowledge is power, sometimes its the absence of that knowledge that enables us to live more powerfully.

It is the lack of some knowledge that allows us to trust, love, risk, and live with the blind hope that things will go as we want them to. Spouses put their all into making their relationships work when they believe that it really is working. Add the knowledge of infidelity into the mix and suddenly the relationship is second guessed at every step along the way. Friends confide and rely on the emotional support in those they trust, that is until they suspect that the trust has been compromised.

When we are oblivious to the risks around us we are able to manoeuvre with a priceless confidence that is indescribable. We are able to enjoy life and experience unbridled joy. However the moment the veil is removed exposing the unthinkable, we retreat into our armour protected shells and live only within the confines therein.

So do I want to know that there is a possibility of risk, or that my spouse has drawn the surgical lines on my heart, or that my friends are are tabloid shopping my secrets? Of course I do, after all ignorance may be bliss but after a while bliss can become stupidity!

Forever?

The word 'forever' is an adverb meaning; "without ever ending; eternally" or "continually; incessantly; always". To put it more commonly, forever is for an indefinite period of time.

By not it must be empirically clear to everyone that nothing last forever - everything has an end. Trees are torn down to build homes, storms and fires come along and destroy the homes. We live to a certain age then we die, we obtain wealth then lose it or pass it on. The friendships we enjoy today can be eroded into adversity tomorrow. Bottom line, everything has an end.

If we understand that everything has an end, and we can accept this as a certainty, then why do he have such a difficult time accepting the end. When relationships end, we usually feel that life is over, yet we knew it could not last forever. When our loved ones die, we theatrically express our sadness, yet we knew they could not be with us forever. When our employment comes to an end, we start to distribute blame which is sometimes coupled with rage, even though we knew that it could not last forever. For some reason the end is never easy to accept.

One of the reasons the end is never easy to accept is that its timing often takes us by surprise. The solution to this is to simply live each day to its fullest while preparing for the end. Your job won't last forever, so what did you do with the income you earned yesterday? Your lives and relationships won't last forever, so how many memories are you building today. By enjoying life now and preparing for tomorrow, you give yourself a peace of mind that just might defeat the odds and last forever. The key is not to regret the end, but to make happiness last forever.

Are you afraid of the dark?

People fear what they don't understand, hate what they can't conquer, Guess it's just the fury of man...

Those are the slightly altered words from the lyrics of Rap Artist Nas in his song, "Hate me now". Rarely are truer words spoken.

I have come to realize that most of the things I have been afraid of were the things that I did not understand. Afraid to trust, afraid to love, afraid to get close to particular people, afraid of places, afraid of certain things, and the list can go on and on. But once I took the required time to learn about and understand the subject of my fear, I was able to face it and overcome it. The humorous thing is that once we overcome our fears, we often look back and wonder why we were in such bondage in the first place. As far as hate goes, we often hate those things that we can defeat. This transcends into some people hating us when they realize that they cannot break us and they find themselves powerless in our presence. I guess it's only fair to say that in hate there is fear.

But what if all fears are not meant to be faced. Perhaps fear is really just our natural instincts doing their job. Sometimes we are more protected by not overcoming these fears, the result of which is usually undergoing a difficult rebuilding exercise when our the reasons behind our fears are confirmed. Picking ourselves up from drastically traumatic relationships, recovering from excruciating physical injuries or the tender task of reconstructing self-esteem. Tragically, usually when we face our fears only to be left disappointed, we often become as bitter as a rancid lemon, thus giving birth to hate.

How do we handle this? We learn to pick our battles carefully. We learn not to chase our fears but rather to face only those that confront us. We learn to trust ourselves and listen with the correct dosage of heart and mind. We learn that sometimes the best way to face our fears, is to leave them where they are, that is at least until we first understand them.

Karma is a female canine

I don't believe in revenge because I believe in Karma. To borrow from my Buddhist friends, Karma dictates that the actions of someone, determines their own future because all actions have a consequence. To put it in simple form, 'what goes around, comes around'.

I adapted the view of a friend a long time ago that not only does 'what goes around, comes around', but it comes back ten times as hard as it went out.

Yet amidst the somewhat sadistic enjoyment of watching Karma insert her incisors into the gluteus maximus of those who have done us wrong, perhaps we should stop and consider for a second that Karma's journey may not be complete.

I suppose the true question goes toward whose moral yardstick should we measure our deeds, and whose scale upon should we weigh the compensation therefor. This surely causes the path we walk appear to be more like a tightrope.

Am I wrong for enjoying the pain of my 'enemy' even though I may have just been elevated from the receiving side? I remember being told that "an eye for an eye will leave us both blind", however I also know that he who throws the knock-out punch gets to walk away!

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

There is a very thin line between self-esteem and self-denial that we trod each day. We sometimes convince ourselves that we are better at any and everything we do than anyone else can ever be. We hold our heads up so high some times that we expose our innermost thoughts through the opening of our noses. The truth is that most of the time we couldn't be further from the truth.

We usually tend to be very critical of others and refuse to acknowledge that whatever they are doing is ten times the job we ever could. We scold athletes that didn't measure up, ridicule television personalities for grammatical slips and even belittle celebrity aesthetics.

But how often do we look into the mirror and acknowledge exactly what is there. Maybe I do have a pimple that prefers to migrate than vacate. Maybe my singing voice won't win me an award but will make my shower more enjoyable. Maybe swimsuit season does make me cringe, and I won't even attempt a 400 metre dash. Maybe the music doesn't stop when I walk into the club. Maybe I'm just me.

But being me isn't a bad thing. My thoughts, my views, my experiences, my dilemmas, my moods, my style, my charisma all can never be replaced. I know that there are many that can run faster, jump higher, swim further than I can, but it matters not to me because whatever I do is done the way I do it.

So when I look into the mirror I will not criticise, I will not compare and most importantly I will not tell a lie because believe it or not, the worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves.

Speechlessly Powered Up

It is said that one rarely knows their true strength, and that it is only in times of adversity that this strength is discovered. The famous illustration for this being the value of a teabag which only becomes realized when hot water is added. I guess this is at least halfway true, since most people do not know that they have the ability to fight until they are left with no choice. But what about the other, lesser discussed side of the coin.

There are so many people that fall into a category I call 'mirror vocalists'. These are the ones that seemingly lose their voices during conflict but can deliver the most powerful and well intended monologue when looking into their mirror at home. These people can stare into that 'other world' and say the most intentionally hurtful and piercing things 'to themselves' but the moment they find themselves engaged in conflict they withdraw into a most incomprehensible state of speechlessness.

These are the ones that tend to get overlooked, trampled on and just plain taken advantaged of. Those that know these people often wonder if it is because they cannot fight back or rather because they don't know how to or are afraid to unleash the evidence of what they are really capable of.

What most people however seldom consider is that these are in fact perhaps the most powerful people of all. They possess the power of the unknown, the unsaid and the unrevealed. They are skillful in the art of hiding their thoughts and controlling their actions. They leave everyone wondering where that line in the sand will be drawn before they explode thereby releasing all that they bottle inside.

Maybe this is a form of genius, maybe this is something we can all learn from, or maybe they're just plain afraid to be themselves...in which case I would be afraid of them also.

I'm Sorry

Being the music lover that I am, I came across a song today that really sent me on a voyage of deep thought:

Ain't It Funny (by Heather Headley)
Tried to leave me broken and confused, You tried to hurt me

Throw me out like something used, But now your back and you need me for everything

To help you, and keep you, hold you and need ya

Oh, how things have changed

Ain't it funny how life goes around

Same people you meet goin' up, You see them coming down

But ain't it funny how you can need me now

Same women [or Man] you miss-treated is your everything now

Tryin' to find a place in my heart to forgive you

Maybe some old memory will make me care for you

Seeing you this way oh, makes me wanna cry

To help you, to hold you, love you and teach you

There are rules of life, ain't it funny

What goes around, see it always comes around

And I know I don't serve, it's gotta come down

Don't you know you reep what you sow

Baby that is what I know, You need me just like I needed you

So many times we take people and things for granted until we find that we are without them. On the other hand, sometimes we put so much time and effort into searching for what we think we want or need that we fail to realise what we actually have. I remember a story someone once told me about a man who was on a quest to be rich, so he decided to pack up his possessions, sell his land and go searching for gold in a mine he had heard about. The person that purchased his land, while digging to put down a foundation for a building, discovered oil. The man never found gold but the guy that bought his land did become a billionaire.

In reality we sometimes tend to neglect our 'true' friends out of the desire to befriend persons that could care less that we exist. We mistreat the persons that show us love while we are willing to make a fool out of ourselves for the ones we want to love. We neglect to maintain that faithful and dependable "raggedy" old car while we dream of having newer, less driven, less tested model.

But amidst all this, when we 'hit a low' and 'come to our senses', we seldom pace backwards, make amends and say we're sorry. We don't say it to that person, and we don't admit it to ourselves. We just brush the past aside and carry on as though that person that in reality we've hurt was duty bound to rescue us from our own self-inflicted calamities.

We seemingly forget how powerful that little five letter word can be and how remarkably significant the two word phrase "I'm sorry" can become. It is said that kind words can sooth the soul, however I am convinced that this phrase can empower.

Start small, and you will become great!

I'm sorry that I didn't notice the sky's beautiful shade of blue this morning, for tomorrow's will be different.
I'm sorry that I stepped on that ant on my way out of the door, for now his colony will be short one helper and one less meal.
I'm sorry I didn't let that other driver out of the corner on my way to work, s/he may now be late and lose their job.
I'm sorry I didn't call my friend today and say hello, s/he may have been in drastic need of a kind word.
I'm sorry I made you think so hard, for you may now be addicted to reading this blog.

How much is that person in the window?

Do you remember the person that you just wished you could be with? I don't mean some iconic celebrity or anyone famous, I mean the popular person with the amazing body, the seductive smile and those eyes the just seem to pierce your soul causing your knees to fight gravity.

We have all had a crush or two ( or three, four, five...) and we've all at some point battled insecurities questioning whether this person would ever look our way. Sometimes when we actually do cast our lines in that direction and manage to reel in the 'prize', what's worse is when we are willing to go to even greater lengths to keep them.

I have seen some of my friends allow themselves to be used, degraded and embarrassed simply because they decide that having this certain person in their lives is worth more than life itself. The questions that come to mind are, "where do you draw the line between love and lust" and "what is your true worth"?

To even take it to another level, how do we define beauty? I sometimes look at females with their freshly manicured nails, diva styled hair and almost plastered make-up and the males with fresh haircuts, highly stached denims and "smell me before you see me cologne" and wonder...is beauty really skin deep?

I have come to realize that there is truth to the saying that real beauty comes from within. I would much rather be in the presence of an 'ugly' person with a caring disposition and a warm attitude than a 'yet to be discovered self-considered supermodel' who whouldn't pick me up if I fell in the street out of the fear of getting their hands soiled. I have dated this type before in my past and have come to realize that sometimes what you see is really all you get.

Amazingly, persons that think too highly of themselves seldom think of anyone else. Where do you fall in this regard? Try this (honestly), imagine you got burnt all over your body and was now confined to a wheelchair. Which of your friends do you believe would give up a night on the town to chill with you? Which of your friends would even still be your friends (and would be seen with you)? Now ask yourself this question in reverse.

All Falls Down

Being the music fanatic that I am, I find a lot of truth and inspiration in the songs that I hear from time to time. One that I remember sending me into deep thought was the song "All Falls Down" by Kanye West. If you strip away the nice beat and catchy chorus, you'll be left with some words that are sure to reach out and slap you, or at least send a few people walking through your mind. Here are just some lines from the song:

KANYE WEST (f/ Syleena Johnson) - All Falls Down

Man I promise, I'm so self conscious
That's why you always see me with at least one of my watches

Then I spent 400 bucks on this
Just to be like nigga you ain't up on this!
And I can't even go to the grocery store
Without some ones thats clean and a shirt with a team

It seems we living the American dream
But the people highest up got the lowest self esteem
The prettiest people do the ugliest things
For the road to riches and diamond rings

We shine because they hate us, floss cause they degrade us
We trying to buy back our 40 acres
And for that paper, look how low we a'stoop
Even if you in a Benz, you still in a coop/coupe

We buy our way out of jail, but we can't buy freedom
We'll buy a lot of clothes when we don't really need em
Things we buy to cover up what's inside
Cause they make us hate ourself and love they wealth
That's why shortys hollering "where the ballas' at?"
Drug dealer buy Jordans, crackhead buy crack
And a white man get paid off of all of that

I wanna act ballerific like it's all terrific
I got a couple past due bills, I won't get specific
I got a problem with spending before I get it
We all self conscious I'm just the first to admit it

Now if you can read that without doing some soul searching then you might as well just quit reading now but if a nerve has been struck then you're well on the path to recovery.

The truth is that we all are in some way superficial. We all want to look the best, be the most outstanding and be the one sitting at the top of the ladder. Don't get me wrong, this is all well and good and works in the spirit of being ambitious. The issue is, how far are you willing to go to get to the top? Who are you willing to step on, back-stab or kick in the a** to accomplish your goals. Be honest, we all get jealous at times and secretly plot in the back of our mind to "take someone out". This make us human. What is however important, is that we don't allow these thoughts to manifest but rather we conquer them and allow ourselves to be happy for others.

We are told to love our enemies. We are told to be good to those that have hurt us. We are told to turn the other cheek. I sometimes think that the people who remind us to do these things are never truly on the receiving end of hostility. For these are the hardest things to do, but I have learnt throughout the years that the wost weapons are a smile and a few kind words. It is difficult for people to feel good about treating us badly when we've be so good to them. As a friend of mine always says "conscience is a b***h".

So how do we conquer jealousy, insecurity, vanity and spite? Its not always easy, but remember that there is always a time and a season for everything. We get nothing before its time and you never know what is coming to you, and patience is indeed a virtue. But as you progress through life, just remember that you sometimes need the people you step on during your journey up the ladder to catch you when you fall off.

What are you addicted to?

It seems as though whenever the word addicted is used, we all become wide-eyed and alert. The word addiction in any of its forms (addict, addiction, addicted etc.) somehow brings to mind all the worst forms of drugs and habits imaginable. The truth is that we are all addicts in some way.

Some of our addictions are manageable and some are handicapping. Some are positive and some are negative. But no matter how we decide to look at it, we are all addicts nonetheless.

Some of my addictions are shopping, travelling, organization, my cellphone and the Internet. These are at least the ones I care to share. There are however some addictions that I have learned to control and ultimately eliminate. These include bad relationships, unhealthy and/or parasitic friends and negativity.

Overcoming addictions is never an easy process, and the truth is that it should not be. We learn from everything we encounter in this life and sometimes it is the worst things that help us develop our best qualities. The most precious and expensive diamond is made from a lump of coal. The sweetest lemonade comes from the tangiest lemons. Even some of the most influential leaders started out with the most horrible pasts. The underlying issue is not the vice that bonds you now but the course for which you're bound.

So give this some thought the next time you deal with your own addictions or criticize someone else's.

What would you do for a Klondike bar?

In his song "All Falls Down", Kanye West says, "The prettiest people do the ugliest things, For the road to riches and diamond rings". As I sit and reflect on this line, its reality stings like a scorpion in the desert.

Isn't it amazing that everyone takes issue with the idea of attaching a price to themselves, but the truth is that everything and everyone has a price. What is important to realize is that it doesn't matter that you have a price, it matters what your price and product is.

There are some people that I know, who would sell their soul for a piece of gold, while for others this could only be the opening bid.

We price ourselves daily. We work for salaries and accept to be paid only what we think we are worth. We enter relationships only with those that we feel are worthy of our time and affection. The underlying principle to self-pricing is really just self respect, self esteem and morality.

Self Respect means that we choose to only do what will allow us to look in the mirror thereafter. Of course there are different levels and standards, and no two persons need agree on this.

Self Esteem means that we choose to do what we want to because it is truly what we want and not what we feel will please someone else. This is often hard for most people because of the pressure to keep up with our friends.

Morality allows us to make decisions that will not be a thorn in our conscience. This is innate and can really only be appreciated on a personal level.

Notwithstanding everything, at the end of the day we must keep in mind that the price of rice in Africa is not the same as the price of rice in Japan, even though the quality of the product may be the same.

Associated Friendships

There are many people I know that are close to me in some way or another. I'm met many people through my career, through my social activities, through school etc. Many people refer to me as their friend and I guess I tend to do the same. Truth is that I really don't have many friends. Not that this in any way bothers me, in fact I somehow like things this way.

A dictionary defined the word friend to me as 'a favored companion'. Now while on one hand I do have some companions, the truth is that not all of them are favored. There are some that I would trust to have a getaway car waiting for me if I robbed a bank, and then there are some that I would rather call a taxi than rely on.

There are some people that have been in my life for as long as I can remember, and yet in a second I would care to forget. On the other hand there are some that I've only known for as long as my last haircut, yet I wouldn't trade for the world.

I separate the persons in my life into three main categories: friends, associates and time-fillers. How do I determine who deserves to be the beneficiary of one of these titles? I devised a strategy a few months ago after some deep thought and meditation. I asked myself a few questions and evaluated the answers. At first this seems simple enough until I gave it some more thought. Here are some examples?

1. If my car stopped working and I had no cash in my pocket, who could I call?
Friends
These are the ones that without a doubt would drop what they were doing to assist me in this regard, even if I needed a ride from the worst battlefield in Iraq: no questions asked.
Associates
These, I know would be more than willing to come to my aid, but only after my provision of a suitable answer to the power question: 'how much gas money am I offering".
Time-fillers
These are the ones that would tell me how they are tied up right now and would like to help but for some reason are unable to. In fact if they even dreamt that I would be calling for their help, they wouldn't have even answered the phone. Nevermind the fact that they have no problem calling me when they are in need.

2. If I took a trip to a foreign country and lost all my money, who would I call?

Friends

These only want to know two things: how much do I need to borrow and how do they send it to me.

Associates

In addition to the above questions, these want to know: how soon will they be repaid, am I willing to pay interest on my loan, do I have collateral and am I willing to sign over my first born.

Time-fillers

MMMMM, should I even waste money on the long distance call for these...I somehow doubt it would make sense. I'm likely to hear, "I'm short on cash right now but I'd love to assist if I could".

3. If my house burned down and I lost everything, what would be said?

Friends

"Do you need anything: food, clothes, accommodation, conversation?"

Associates

"I know you will be ok, but call me if you run into any problems"

Time-fillers

"Was that shirt I left at your house also in the fire?"

Don't get me wrong, everyone that is in our lives is there for a purpose. Our friends, associates and time-fillers all have a role to play in making us who we are and developing our characters. Common sense should prevail when we decide who we want to share our inner-most thoughts and secrets with or who we decide to call whenever we need to just have a good chat and laugh.

What is important however it that we must always treat the people around us with a degree of respect because; friends can make the worst enemies, associates sometimes become better friends, and we never know what will become of our time-fillers.

Forgive Them?

One of my favorite recording artists/lyricists is Lauryn Hill and from time to time I experience situations that make me reflect on some of her songs. One song in particular that stays in my mind is "Forgive them Father", which seems so true to life. Some of the lyrics (not the entire song, just excerpts) are:

Forgive Them Father (by Lauryn Hill)

Beware the false motives of others, Be careful of those who pretend to be brothers, And you never suppose it’s those who are closest to you

They say all the right things to gain their position, Then use your kindness as their ammunition, To shoot you down in the name of ambition

Why every Indian wanna be the chief? Feed a man ’til he’s full and he still want beef, Give me grief, try to tief off my piece, Why for you to increase, I must decrease? If I treat you kindly does it mean that I’m weak?

Like Cain and Abel, Caesar and Brutus, Jesus and Judas, Backstabbers do this

It took me a little while to discover, Wolves in sheep coats who pretend to be lovers, Men who lack conscience will even lie to themselves

A friend once said, and I found to be true, That everyday people, they lie to God too, So what makes you think, that they won’t lie to you

Now I'm sure there are so many people that can relate to this. It may be the best friend that slept with your partner, the colleague that screwed you over to get a promotion, the classmate that copied your assignment and expanded on it so they could do better than you, and the list goes on.

I have experienced most of it and I have come to realize that what doesn't kill me will definitely make me stronger. Pain hurts only as long as it lasts, then you pick yourself up from your crying spot, strategize and move on. That is if you are wise and intend to keep afloat in this sea called life.

Sometimes moving on is not as easy as it sounds. Its difficult, on a daily basis, to see those that hurt us and still keep a smile on our faces. It becomes even more difficult when the one that caused the pain is one that we care for (Platonic or otherwise). As a result we try to forgive and forget.

I guess I'm one of those people that struggles with this. I have a tendency to forgive people but not forget. Don't get me wrong, I don't travel through life with a suitcase full of grudges, but my response to hurt is simply to withdraw, completely.

Over the years I've lost many friends to this and I sometimes wonder if I am being too harsh and somehow cheating myself out of some wonderful experiences. Maybe if I gave more second chances my life would reap the rewards of stronger friendships. Maybe I would be happier and more popular. Maybe my life would be more fulfilling. And then again maybe I would just be a fool!

I do know one thing for sure; life is a jungle and for the lion to remain king he cannot stand side by side with the hyena.

Can You Really Handle Independence?

Isn't it ironic that countries struggle to be independent from other countries, children struggle to be independent from their parents, even spouses struggle to be independent from each other, yet we all go through pain trying to discover true independence!

A dictionary told me that the word independent means : "not dependent: not subject to control by others : not affiliated with a larger controlling unit : not requiring or relying on something else : not looking to others for one's opinions or for guidance in conduct and not requiring or relying on others as for care or livelihood".

Interesting isn't it? We usually claim to be independent yet most of us cannot act alone. I sit here writing this and anticipating a night out on the town with my friends. The truth is that if they call and cancel, I doubt I'd be going anywhere tonight. I like to think of myself as independent but somehow I wonder if I truly am. I certainly am not under their control like some wind-up toy soldier but I definitely am dependent on their companionship for my enjoyment.

Does this somehow relate to the proposal that we all have some sort of innate compulsion towards dependency? Or is it just that we are naturally rebellious to the fact that we are raised into a culture of dependency. We are dependent on our paychecks to pay bills, we are dependent on our local stores to provide the necessities for our daily living, we are dependent on tomorrow to arrive and bring us a new day. So does this mean that we can never be independent?

Maybe independence is truly just a state of mind. Maybe it is just the joy of feeling that we have total control over some aspect of our lives, even if it is just a very minor and seemingly insignificant part.

Maybe I am dependent. Maybe I do need people and things in my life more than I sometimes think I do. The truth is that I am dependent on my abilities, my intellect, my desires and my goals to keep me from becoming too strongly dependent on someone else!